Loving the game again

It wasn’t until a long time after my accident that I even thought about coaching.

In hospital after it happened, I honestly thought I was just going to need to rest up for a few weeks, and then I’d be back to training with Bolton.

The longer I was in hospital, and the more tests the doctors did, the more I realised how serious it was.

I guess I was kind of in my own world – a bit out of it because of what had happened to me. So, when people who I hadn’t seen in a long time started coming to visit me, it really started to dawn on me how serious the situation was.

I think the doctors knew what the decision was going to have to be going forwards, but I was set on getting back to playing football.

I was told that I needed a pacemaker fitted. After that was done, I went to see a specialist in London Bridge to find out what the next steps were for me in my recovery – still, at this point, thinking I was on my way to returning to the pitch.

The specialist advised me to stop playing.

So, I went for a second opinion.

"It took a lot of time and a lot of counselling for me to get my head around retirement"

I travelled to Belgium to see one of the world’s leading experts in this field. His exact words were: “If you go back to playing, you are running to your grave.”

Until then, I just wanted one person to say I could get back to playing. That would have been enough to give me hope that I could play again.

But when you have two of the world’s best specialists saying things like that, you have to listen. I knew it was time to retire. My playing career was over at 26.

I was still speaking to the other players, who were all my mates. I was still in the team WhatsApp group, seeing messages like I was still part of it. It was really painful to watch everything continuing as normal without me.

I was still going to watch the games, but I would arrive with seconds to go before kick-off. I found it too painful watching the boys warming up. Even seeing them walking out and shaking hands with the opposition, I couldn’t watch.

When everyone was sat in their seats, and the referee blew his whistle to start the game – that’s when I would go and take my seat.

As time went on, I started to accept that this was the way things were now. It took a lot of time and a lot of counselling for me to get my head around that fact, but eventually I did.

"I found myself drawn to coaching soon enough. It was when my sons started playing, to be precise"

I tried to keep myself busy. I did some travelling and spent more time with my family. I did the school run every day, and was there for my kids way more. I wasn’t allowed to do any exercise at all, though, so I also had to come to terms with that.

To get through that, you have to have a strong group of people around you, and I was fortunate to have that. I relied on my family and friends a lot in that time.

But I needed more routine, and I was grateful to get a job the PFA offered me. In that role, I went to academies to talk to the first-year scholars about having a Plan B. I talked about my experience – what had happened that day at White Hart Lane in 2012 – and the fact there was no guarantee that you’ll play at the top level for a long time.

I really enjoyed it, because it felt like I was doing some important work and hopefully helping some people – but I also got to see how different things worked at different clubs. It was also a step away from first-team football and training.

Coaching still just wasn’t on my radar. I still didn’t feel I could face it. I did a journalism course at Staffordshire University. First and foremost, it was part of me wanting to keep myself busy, but I also got a lot from it. I’ve got a lot more respect for journalists now – it’s a tough job!

As part of my course, I had to report on Chelsea’s Champions League game against Atlético Madrid at Stamford Bridge in 2014. I was told I had to get some quotes, but Chelsea got knocked out and nobody wanted to speak to the press. Then Gary Cahill appeared.

"I can explain things from a player’s perspective. I understand what it was like to be one of them"

I played with Gary at Bolton, so he stopped for me and gave me some exclusive quotes to use in my report for the game. It was stressful, but I managed to get it done just in time.

It’s a different type of skill, but it’s something I really enjoyed. I also think it was an important thing for me to do while I was trying to stay away from football and training.

But I found myself drawn to coaching soon enough. It was when my sons started playing, to be precise. I wanted to help them out in any way I could. I decided to do my badges.

I was lucky enough to do my Level 2 in the Liverpool academy. I got to watch some great coaches in action: Alex Inglethorpe, Pep Lijnders and Mick Beale. Pep is genuinely one of the best coaches I’ve ever seen. And I got to coach some brilliant youngsters, too, including Trent Alexander-Arnold and Curtis Jones.

Slowly but surely, I started to get my hunger for the game back. I started to understand why people loved coaching, and I started to feel motivated to get back into the game for the first time in years. I had an itch that needed scratching.

I went on to do my B Licence at Manchester City. It was completely different to my experience at Liverpool. The coaching was so technical, it was amazing. I did a fair bit with the women’s head coach, Gareth Taylor, and I learned a lot from him.

Then, I ended up doing my A Licence at Stoke after a chance encounter with Mark Hughes at Stephen Ireland’s wedding! He asked me what I was doing, and I said I was looking for somewhere to do my A Licence. He got me in at Stoke straight away.

"Arsène always chose to make his point with a calm voice rather than scream and shout"

I also did loads of club visits, which are something I’d encourage anyone trying to become a coach to do. Doing those was great for my education as a coach, even with my background as a player.

I realised while doing my badges just how competitive coaching is, but I do believe that former players offer something that those who haven’t played the game simply can’t. As someone who played the game, I can explain things from a player’s perspective. I understand what it was like to be one of them.

Before I got into coaching, I only ever wanted football to be played beautifully. But as I’ve built up my knowledge and done my badges, I’ve realised I’m much more pragmatic. If a game needs my team to go long, then I’m happy to do it. Whatever gives my team the best chance of winning.

I played under some really good managers, and that has only helped me become a better coach. In much the same way, I got some experience of bad coaches, too. Now I can draw on those experiences to make sure I avoid doing certain things as a coach myself.

I was at Arsenal from the age of 14, so I got to see one of the best managers of all time in action. I spent a year and a half training with the first team, so I got to see Arsène Wenger on a daily basis and learn from him. He was so calm and collected all the time. He always chose to make his point with a calm voice rather than scream and shout.

I also just loved his style of football. He wanted his teams to keep the ball, but play forward whenever possible. It was so fun to play under him, and his teams were always good to watch.

When I was at Arsenal, there were other players ahead of me who were more talented than me. Cesc Fàbregas, Nicklas Bendtner, Alex Song, Gaël Clichy, Abou Diaby, Mathieu Flamini. Amazing players. I had to work harder than them to earn myself a chance in the first team. That has definitely helped me as a coach, because I can tell young players what it takes to make it.

"I got knocked back so many times that I had second thoughts about coaching"

I also learned a lot from watching Jürgen Klopp in action when I was working at the Liverpool academy. The intensity he gets from his players – even in training – was incredible to see.

You could tell how exhausting his football is for the players, which means he needs a full squad behind him, not just the 11 starting players. He is really skilled at keeping his whole squad happy, and I saw that that came from him being open and honest with the players. Footballers understand that not everyone can play, but they just want to be told honestly why they aren’t in the team. I played under some people who weren’t honest; as a result, now that I’m a coach, I know I would always tell my players the truth.

At the same time, it’s best to keep the players guessing a little bit. The first-choice players shouldn’t feel sure that they are going to start, and the players on the fringes should always have some hope that they will earn a spot if they keep training well.

A combination of Wenger and Klopp would make a brilliant manager! I’m lucky to be able to say I’ve learned from both of them.

I completed my A Licence just before Covid, but then I found it really difficult to get a job. I was doing lots of interviews for academy roles I knew I could do, but I didn’t have any luck. There were too many occasions when I saw the person who got the job was a friend of someone at the club, so I found that really disheartening. There were also times when I got the impression that someone in the club didn’t want an ex-player coming in, as they thought they might be too big a presence and disrupt things. In my opinion, it should be former players teaching the next generation – or at least helping!

I got knocked back so many times over the course of more than a year of trying that, to be honest, I had second thoughts about coaching. I decided to concentrate on my family again, and put coaching on the backburner. I still did some coaching with my kids, but that was it.

"Retirement was such a bitter pill to swallow, but I'm grateful I got to live my childhood dream"

And then the opportunity to join Bolton came up in the summer of 2022, which I was delighted about. I was ready to give coaching a proper go.

I’m in charge of the Under-15s, and it’s been a great learning experience for me. I’ve been taking sessions, developing the team’s tactics, doing analysis sessions. Everything.

I’ve started to get the buzz from coaching. I understand why people love it. When you put on a session with the next match in mind, and you see your work come together out on the pitch on a Saturday, it’s an amazing feeling. It’s even better than winning as a player.

Retirement was such a bitter pill to swallow, but now, looking back, I’m so grateful I got to live my childhood dream. I got to play in the Premier League – something most people can only dream of.

My career was cut short by something totally out of my control, so there is no point being angry or bitter about it. There is no bitterness from me, that’s for sure.

I try to look at things more positively. Beside the fact that I have been able to spend more time with my family, I was also given the chance to get started on coaching early. Now, I love it like I loved playing.

I’ve always been ambitious, and I want to succeed as a coach. As and when opportunities come to climb the ladder, I’ll look to move up. First-team management has to be the end goal.

But for now, I’m loving learning at Bolton. I’ve got my love for the game back.